- T​he photo won’t fit in the chuffing frame. I don’t know why.


W​hy, God, why?

I was casually scrolling through my Instagram feed (like, comment, subscribe), when I suddenly experienced a blinding pain in my head, that ceased once I shut my eyes. Upon carefully re-opening my eyes to what is scientifically known as a squint, an abomination reared its grim snout at me. The new m3 Touring. Later on, I looked for a word to describe this utter pain my eyeballs had gone through. I found it- ululate. It means an animal howling in pain, which is exactly how my eyes felt.

I can’t believe BMW followed through with their new grill design. The only reason it’s marginally acceptable is because old BMWs used to have vertical kidney grilles. However, this new interpretation looks like they introduced these old grilles to a cancerous tumour, and slapped the end product on the front of their new car.

T​his car confirms what the Fiat Multipla first questioned-there is no God. If there was, he/she wouldn’t have let babies be born into a world where there was the possibility of frying your eyeballs by looking at a car.

T​he rest of the car is very promising, though-dog walkers around the country have been petitioning for years to get an M car that they can put their hound in. The only thing is, if you floor it, you’ll have to spend an hour peeling your petrified pooch off the rear window in the boot. I myself am actually quite a fan of estate cars-an actual family car, not an SUV. It is possibly the only class of car that you can fit all the brats in, the dog, as well as the mind-bending amount of stuff that you take camping, without having to take contortionism classes to get in through the door. Plus, if ever you need to take a mattress anywhere, this is the type of car to do it in.

A​nd now, you can take your kids’ manky mattress whilst they‘re sleeping on it, go to the tip with it, buy a new one, get back home and put it under them before they’ve even hit the bed frame. BMW should put that in the marketing bumpf.

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