Vauxhall Mokka X

A very sarcastic and quite rude review, to in my view a dire car

3y ago

Welcome to the Vauxhall Mokka X, Vauxhalls eagerly awaited replacement for the Vauxhall mokka. I get the feeling that the naming team where at the pub when marketing called and panicked and replied “er, er Vauxhall mokka er, er x”. then went straight back to their Guinness. Back to the car it looks exactly the same as the previous car so it looks like the design team were at the pub as well, but there we go. The only difference is that it looks less like a chavs Nike air max, and you get some different alloys. The interior is a different story the front has nice soft touch materials and bits of shiny plastic, but be careful if you want to murder someone the front of the car will probably give you up straight away. Every bit of plastic you touch leaves a finger print. Other than that, it has a nice chunky steering wheel and the infotainment system is nice to use with DAB as standard. It also has cup holders, that unlike any other Vauxhall I have been in actually holds stuff in them. Along with half decent door bins that are quite large. But like most new cars the glove box is pathetic, you could probably fill it with two grains of rice.

Moving to the back it is completely different, and no, not in a good way. The designers must have taken inspiration from a North Korean Prison. The soft touch materials have gone, replaced with rock hard plastic, also there are no cup holders not even in the door bins. The door bins are so tiny a field mouse would find it hard to get in there. The seats yes it has some, but they are bolt upright and unbelievably uncomfortable. You are unable to adjust the back rest like on it rivals and there is literally on lumber support. In addition to this some nerk decided probably when down the pub that an arm rest in the back wasn’t needed, it bloody well is. Then you have the leg room but because I’m sat behind a midget I have some, but not if your sat behind a normal person who doesn’t wear shorts as trousers. There is also the problem of the runners that the seat slides on, these intrude in to the feet space. This means you spend the entire journey like a nun, with your legs tightly kept shut.

But moving on from that we get to the boot which for arguments sake is about the same size as its sister Astra and considering this car cost the owner about £30,000 is horrendous value for money. Fact is I have now firmly decided this isn’t the car for a murderer because even a dead person would complain about being in here and it is against probably every human rights law ever written. You can however buy and rubber boot mat, yep me neither I can’t see the point however the owner thought “yes I would like one of them” for their shopping. Apparently, avocados can’t go on carpet.

I Think I will move on to how this car drives, this car is the auto 1.4 turbo. The good news everyone is that it does work as a car, just not very well. The automatic gear box is slow just like a teenager that has to get up any time before 11 o’clock in the morning. It feels like it has to ask someone if it is ok to change gear, and even then, it gets it wrong. Accelerating to get on the motorway it changes gears to quickly then it decides this is the wrong gear and changes down causing the car to jerk. It does the same thing going up a hill which along with its 1.4 engine, means it struggles until the turbo spools up. At this point though you’re going downhill, which for those who didn’t do geography is how hills work.

So overall this car is crap if you want a car which car comfortable seat 4 people and can go up hills. With the plus side of not looking like a north Korean prison in the back. Designed by people who are not mild alcoholics. By something like a focus or a golf, if you want height buy a Tiguan. But if you have just checked out of a mental asylum, then this is the car for you.

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