Want to save the petrol car? Imprison the incompetent.
The biggest threat to the future of automobiles isn't the government - it's your neighbour.
There has been a lot of fuss lately about European countries taking it upon themselves to exact an automotive Holocaust – a kind of ethnic cleansing of the traditional machines we know and love. I, as much as anyone am aghast. I adore the planet, and want to do everything I can to save it, but casting my eyes over the neighbour’s Vauxhall Vectra, can’t help but have a pang of doubt; surely this picayune Mario Kart is far less responsible for the future destruction of the entire human race than say…China?
But like it or not, the Automotive Apocalypse draws nigh. Mostly. But fear not – I believe I have the answer.
I have abandoned my post for a while now. For a couple of reasons, the most exciting of which was a car accident. You wouldn’t think it was easy to bend the chassis of a 4wd, but it turns out that if you drive another one into the back of it at 60mph they are surprisingly supple, much like Macron’s popularity after a month. I was uncharacteristically calm about the man who drove off – let’s call him George Ketane, and despite a rather permanent headache, I felt in good company with Richard Hammond during that time. What I found truly abrading was the fact that the car I was driving was written off. I could practically feel the EU rubbing its hands with glee at the thought of one less diesel-powered transporter alive and well.
And that gave me an idea. The sale of exclusively electric cars is irrelevant. We must simply preserve what are good, functional vessels. If the ancient Egyptians can keep a flesh corpse preserved for thousands of years, we can surely immortalise our cars. Yes, eventually they will refuse to sell oil, which will be a minor inconvenience to petrol consumers, but for as long as people are buying deep-fried food our diesel cars will burn on – at least until some PC halfwit legislates fast-food out of production. It’s entirely possible – in Cuba they run cars on what I was told in Latinamerican Studies 216 was “a combination of vegetable oil, soaps, solvents and…the force”.
That’s all very well and good, but no matter how hard we try to maintain our friends, if we have maniacs like George Ketane running around playing Grand Theft Bumpercars, our struggle will be as redundant as the New Jersey law forbidding the wearing of bullet-proof vests whilst murdering.
Who’s to say that the Crown won’t hire BMW drivers to go running people off the road to speed up the carcinogenic catharsis?
The solution, therefore, is clear. Let us imprison the George Ketanes of the world. Britain is about to leave the EU, and rightly or wrongly, it does mean we no longer need to cater to the trend of the moment. If we want to arrest people for travelling on the bus with the plague we shall do so, and if we wish to shun electricity then we shall shun it with the force of a thousand Ketanes.
At least, that is, until they make an electric car I like. And I think it's safe to say by that time even Ramesses might be a little worse for wear.