What if Batman was a hipster? Just WTBatFuck Would the Batmobile Look Like?!
Imagine a world (admittedly a frightening, dystopian one) where Gotham City's finest skin-tight black spandex-clad superhero had suddenly discovered his inner hipster? Where said sleek, respect-commanding Batsuit had been replaced with a woolly cardigan and drainpipe jeans and authentic deck shoes. And the clean-cut, strong jawline had been usurped by a behemoth of a beard; of Biblical proportions. Just imagine the full, inexplicable horror that would befall a generation of comic book fans, myself included. But more importantly try and mentally picture what the Batmobile might appear like.
It takes more than martial arts training and a cool cape to protect Gotham, you know and the habitual bastion of all things dark and deadly, a machismo machine like no other; fuelled by lean testosterone and the tears of Batty's nemesis' awaiting their fate at the hands of the caped crusader, needs to be every kind of awesome. Unless of course it’s a hipster-spec version of events. God forbid, but I mean if Batman WAS, actually a hipster he couldn’t simply drive the Lincoln Futura-inspired Adam West-era Batmobile, on the grounds that it was just too predictably/conventionally butch. Nor could he find himself behind the wheel of the imposing, Michael Keating-piloted, Tim Burton-imagined Batmobile from 1989’s Batman as it is, essentially a penis on wheels. And ergo a tad passé. What with Gotham’s finest being a newly-identified hipster and all that, he’d have to get his thinking cape on, rather than just the am dram one he typically flounces around in.
You see Superman was always halfway there in the hipster department (Clark Kent?? Those horn-rimmed spectacles and geography lecturer blazer); and old Spiderbollocks was hovering over the precipice of hipsterdom too, on many an occasion, courtesy of a low-key wardrobe and a conscience. But Batty remained steadfastly un-fettled by hipsterism. Mercifully devoid of man buns and retro 70s trainers. A superhero’s superhero, a man for all seasons.
But, like I said, what if, in a parallel universe Batman is a top knot-sporting wanknut who only drinks fairtrade coffee sourced from the upper reaches of a Nepalese national’s crevice? I very much doubt he’d choose to drive the uneco-friendly, all-terrain, military inspired Tumbler which first came to automotive prominence in ‘The Dark Knight’. No, instead he’d opt to source a vehicle which doesn’t leave a carbon footprint the size of Wayne Manor and Wayne Tower, combined. Admittedly, this new ride would do little to attract Catwoman, but then hipster Batman would be championing gender neutrality anyway, and would obviously consider enticing the opposite gender (or same gender, as it were) beneath both his new-found social awareness and freshly defined homosapien specifics. Or something of that ilk.
So, all things considered, what cars would make the grade as a Batmobile donor, ripe for transmogrification into something vaguely befitting of a weapons grade hipster bell. To save you the trouble, I’ve whittled (a true hipster skillset if ever, forged in 100% organic tradition) the potential shortlist down to just the 10 candidates, as follows. Come now, where WOULD hipsters be without the tried and trusted Citroen 2CV, the ‘in touch with your feminine side’ Fiat 500, the indigenous species-aware Volvo 260C coupe, the so obscure it fucking hurts Citroen Ami, the too-airkooled-for-skool VW Type 3 Fastback, the go-to wagon for elaborately ‘tached individuals Mercedes W123, the shockingly on trend Saab 900 cabrio, the environment-cosseting Toyota Prius, the retro-tastical BMW 2002 and that Citroen van thing hipsters who set-up mobile festival catering businesses use.
The question remains however, as to just WHICH of these worthy examples would be best suited to Bat-ifying beyond aesthetical recognition/submission. Personally I believe that the Volvo 260C coupe thing lends its painfully stereotypical self to Batmobiling, which is why I’ve taken that notion and ran with it. Tragically (for you) I didn’t continue running with it until I was out of plain sight, and instead stopped short of all reason and took it upon myself to re-render it as the hipster’s Batmobile of choice. The graphic (and very novel) results of which can be discovered lurking in the shadows beneath. All I can say is brace yourself. For the inevitable backlash. Moreover, what do YOU think? Do you prefer one of the other choices or have you got your own ideas (this I very much doubt, but I’m putting it out there all the same). Let me know……