What if car companies were pizzas?
They have to earn their crust somehow...
Imagine a bleak future where car companies are struggling to sell their wares (ha, 2020) and, through a strange set of circumstances involving a bailout plan run by the Italian government, have to diversify into making pizzas.
The rules of the Italian bail-out plan are strict. Each car company must only produce one type of pizza, and that pizza should represent the cars it used to sell so many of.
C'mon – you've all thought about it before. What *if* car companies were pizzas? Don't worry, we've got this. Shout at us in the comments about how wrong we are.
Audi – the Vorsprung Dough Technik
Audi's Head of Pizza Development, Herr Vierzwiebeln, quickly realised that Audi's branding had everything a pizza should be. Cutting-edge technology laced with racing heritage and a very outdated myth that it could understeer clean off your plate.
Built on a solid base of a classic quattro stagioni, it inexplicably had three 'grill' slots cut out of it, and some dubiously placed rings of onion. It was colourful, varied, perfect for all seasons and unmistakably Audi.
TVR – the Blackpool calzone
Born-again-or-is-it British muscle-car brand TVR wasn't affected hugely by the downturn in sales, because it wasn't selling anything to begin with. Still, it was registered as a car brand and the Italian government demanded to see what its pizza would look like, because it was Friday lunchtime, they were a bit drunk and needed a laugh.
Rumour has it that TVR started out with a bare-bones Margherita spiced up with a dose of uncontrollable and deeply ill-advised extra chilli powder. When first eaten in anger it ended up wrapped around the nearest wall. The design bods decided they could cut out the middle man and just serve it folded neatly in half fresh out of the factory. And so the Blackpool calzone was born.
Chevrolet – the American Italian
Chevrolet was early to the pizza party and started producing its own brand of pies long before production became mandatory. After several successful years serving pizzas laden with barbecue sauce and buffalo wings, in 2020 Chevrolet decided to move its ingredients to the middle of the pizza in an attempt to bring more of an Italian flavour to its offerings.
The result was an exotic-looking but slightly plasticky-tasting prosciutto e funghi. It's fine, except it's had the common factory modification to swap the prosciutto with a rack of ribs and the funghi have been replaced with Oreos.
Lotus – Superleggera
Norfolk lightweight specialists Lotus have always had a straightforward approach to building cars – make them as light as possible and excellence shall be forthcoming. Clearly they're not big on fancy cuisine, because their pizza offering is a bit… lacking in the ingredient department. Actually it's not just missing toppings, it's missing the entire middle. Perhaps inspired by Pizza Express' salad-filled superleggera, the Lotus lightweight special packs a delicious crust, but not a whole lot else other than a deliciously exposed plate mechanism.
Lexus – deliciously different
All illustrations: Maggie Chu
Japanese Luxury giant Lexus stunned the car world when it took on the German establishment with the V8-powered LS400 saloon, and it has since proved that detail-obsessed craftmanship and quirky styling has a place in everyday cars. Also, if you've ever wandered the streets of Tokyo on an empty stomach you'll know that the Japanese are masters of taking foreign cuisine and doing it better than anyone else – purely through attention to detail. That's why the Lexus pizza is the most delicious, gooey, tomatoey Margherita you've ever tasted, and beats the Italians at their own game. It's a delicious pizza, but in true Lexus style it's a weird shape.