What if Car Safety Warnings Were Actually Useful?
Finally, some sage consumer advice to ensure you make the right choice when buying a car.
Just in case you are under any sort of illusion that grown human adults are capable of making appropriate decisions for themselves, managing risks and taking responsibility, think again. Car companies know this better than anyone. Just take some time to have a look at the safety warnings that come with your vehicle.
The current warnings are of course merely a legal safety net for manufacturers. It’s so Billy-Bob can’t sue GM when he flips his Silverado whilst simultaneously driving, cleaning his rifle and making passes at his sister. These safety warnings are fairly predictable and mundane, but I don’t think they’re at all helpful to rational human beings.
For this reason, I’ve decided to draft some useful and informative warnings for cars available on the market today. Please see below for some practical consumer advice that might prevent people making some terrible errors with their hard-earned cash.
The Modern Mini
WARNING: This is not a small British car. It is in fact a medium sized German car. Please refrain from using the phrase “British Motoring Heritage” whilst is possession of this vehicle. BMW thanks you for your understanding… and money.
PS. F*%k Brexit .
WARNING: This vehicle is likely to attract scorn and merciless satire from those who actually like cars. To them, you have just purchased the Antichrist. For this reason, Nissan recommends you keep this vehicle at a safe distance from your house.
Range Rover Evoque Convertible
We're gonna need a bigger boat!
WARNING: This vehicle is not a boat and cannot be used on lakes, rivers or seas. I know it looks like a boat, but trust us, it isn’t.
WARNING: This vehicle has been fitted with a keyless locking system that makes it incredibly easy to steal. To avoid theft and to cover the cost of the enormous insurance premiums, we suggest you sell your house and live in the car. That way, when it is stolen, you’ll be in it. You can always treat it as a free holiday to Bosnia.
WARNING: This car has been carefully engineered to look massive from the outside and have no extra space inside. Do not attempt to use this for a family vacation. It really is no more spacious than a Zafira.
WARNING: Do not become distracted by the people on the street openly pointing and laughing at you. It is because they all know how much you’ve paid for this mediocre vehicle.
WARNING: This is not an off-road vehicle. It has not been designed to be taken on anything more rugged than a tree-lined gravel driveway. Just look at the wheels and tyres we’ve chosen. You’d be better off with a Vauxhall Corsa. Besides, this car cost you more than your home.
Any Alfa Romeo
This photographer managed to catch the Alfa in the elusive few seconds between catastrophic mechanical failures.
WARNING: This vehicle is likely to attract motoring enthusiasts. You may encounter nods, grunts and knowing smiles from strangers. This gives you something to focus on whilst waiting for roadside assistance.
WARNING: This vehicle is fitted with indicators (turn signals) but we haven’t bothered testing them. Let’s be honest, you’re never going to use them.
WARNING: This vehicle is fitted with large electromagnets behind the headlights. This means that your van will be powerfully attracted to the car in front. Do not panic, the magnets will keep you at a safe distance of 2mm.
WARNING: You are not James Bond. You do not look like him and you have no charisma or sex appeal. You don’t have licence to kill and you still live at home with your parents. Grow up.
WARNING: Stop letting your partner talk you into things. Just because you’ve had one child, doesn’t mean you need this awful car. Your Golf was plenty big enough. Go back to the dealership and tell them you’ve changed your mind while there's still time!
But it’s not just new cars. I think there are plenty of classics that should be fitted with retrospective warning labels.
Classic American Cars
Look at the faces! Abject terror.
WARNING: Under no circumstances should you attempt to drive this vehicle. This is designed to be parked in a garage and looked at. You can even start the engine if you want and listen to it, but no driving!
WARNING: If you find yourself approaching a corner or even a slight bend in the road, pull over and stop the car immediately. Call for help and ensure your passengers are safe. This car is not able to safely negotiate corners.
That's my attempt anyway. I'm sure there are an infinite number of sorely needed consumer warnings covering any vehicle you care to mention. Have a go at writing some of your own in the comments. It's fun, and somewhat addictive.