- Michael O'Sullivan on Unsplash

What's the most perverse 'Just Married' car prank?

1w ago


You often hear stories of guys going out on stag nights, vomiting all over the city, and then chaining the groom-to-be to a parking meter before guffawing off home to their beds. Realising the next morning that they left him there, and that he’s supposed to be somewhere in an hour, only to find he’s actually in hospital because he got punched at 4am.

If you’re ever that groom, you need to seriously consider how you’ve gained such mates. And then you’ve got to consider how you’re going to lose such mates.

Because there’s another thing that such so-called friends will do to mess up what is already a demanding time and what ought to be a happy succession of days. While you’re getting photographed with your bride, they’ll seek out your car and do some seriously perverted stuff with it.

The car that was shortly thereafter sequestered away. Though it wasn't a wedding car, and never will be, my brother wanted to put ribbons on it.

Now my brother had his wedding recently, and even before the bride was confirmed, he’d asked our grandfather – a man whose brow could abort a stupid prank – to conceal the car in his garage fortress for the weekend. This is a tip he’d got from our dad, who did the same thing during his wedding. Apparently back then, his chums did indeed go looking for the car, but there was no way they were going to breach the security, and their collective IQ of 0.2 went off, thwarted.

As a result, Coleman cars have remained unscathed during weddings. But the story goes that a certain family friend who got married in the ‘90s wasn’t so fortunate.

His mates found out where he and his new bride were honeymooning, and in the dead of night, they drove out there, got into his car, and filled the air-conditioning vents with sardines. And sardines stink at the best of times. A few hours out in the Australian climate and the stench can kill.

So this unhappy new husband spent the second day of his honeymoon taking the interior of his car apart and hosing it.

Well, I'm sorry. Just because you're the best man doesn't mean you need to summon the time the groom was arrested for dealing illicit drugs in the schoolyard. Just because it's a reception and you didn't pay for the alcohol doesn't mean it's dandy to guzzle four Pimm's and fall through a window. And just because you're a fun friend doesn't mean you need to discharge degenerate ideas of mateship and go and ruin your mate's day and his car.

I suppose that's my main point. Chain your mate to a parking meter. But leave his car alone.


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