THE SUPPOSEDLY-GRACEFUL CHEETAH, MOCKING ALL OF HUMANITY, LIKE THE SELF-ABSORBED JERK THAT IT IS. WHAT YOU DON'T SEE IN THIS PICTURE IS THAT THE CHEETAH HAD JUST BEEN CAUGHT ATTEMPTING TO LET THE AIR OUT OF THE CAR'S TIRES. IMAGE COURTESY OF CNN.COM.
On November 28th, 2017, Jean-Eric Vergne, driver of the Team Techeetah Racing Team Formula E race car, drag-raced an actual cheetah on a South African airstrip, in a publicity stunt meant to bring the world's attention to the plight to the supposedly-endangered cheetah.
While it did generate an incredible amount of positive press, something else happened at this event that was not reported on, but that something else is now going to be revealed, which shows this event in an entirely different light.
THE WORLD'S NEWS OUTLETS LEFT OUT A FEW IMPORTANT BITS.
That's right, just like the bold sentence says above, the world's news outlets left out a few important bits, notably the gigantic angry protest that was staged against the event by numerous Formula R rights activist groups who felt that Team Techeetah's Formula E car was being shamelessly exploited to fill the greedy, greed-lined pockets of supposedly-endangered, but-faking-the-entire-thing-just-for-sympathy, greedy, self-absorbed cheetahs everywhere.
And cheetahs were successful in silencing this hue and cry for Formula E justice.
Whatta bunch of jerks.
THE WORLD'S NEWS OUTLETS ARE AFRAID OF THE PRO-CHEETAH LOBBY.
There were a few brave reporters that really wanted to report about the exploitative nature of the cheetahs that were in charge of this event, but the pro-cheetah faction of the United Nations was successful in silencing those reporters.
And since cheetahs are just so gosh-darned cute, in addition to the Pro-Cheetah lobby of the United Nations, no world news outlet in the world of worldly world news outlets wants to take the Cheetah people head on. Fear rules the day.
SO JUST WHAT WERE THE PROTESTERS TRYING TO SAY?
Instead of using my reporter's platform here to put words into the mouths of the protesters, I thought it would be more appropriate to simply replay the words of the protesters themselves, and will do so below.
JOHN FREEDMAN, LEADER OF THE "STOP EXPLOITING FORMULA E CARS" SUPPORT GROUP:
"This is totally not fair! You would have to install a gas engine into a Formula E car in order to get it to accelerate as quickly as a riding lawnmower, and they thought it would be a good idea to race it against a cheetah, one of the quickest animals on earth? What was the car supposed to think, and how was it supposed to feel when the cheetah just up and ran away from the starting line?"
MILDRED WILLABY, PRESIDENT OF "FORMULA E CARS ARE PEOPLE TOO!":
"Exploiting an endangered species like the Formula E automobile in the pursuit of the almighty dollar, just to line that greedy cheetah's pockets? This is ethical? That poor Formula E car is only one bounced primary sponsor's check away from extinction, something that the cheeky cheetah standing right over there (points to smug-looking cheetah from behind a safety barricade) would know NOTHING about!"
MARTIN BRUNDLE, FORMER F1 DRIVER AND CURRENT SKY SPORTS COMMENTATOR:
"I attempted to interview the cheetah, but after it listened to the hasty advice of its P.R. representative, the cheetah now refuses to answer any of my questions. I thought that was a bit rude."
MICHAEL FINLAYSON, EXECUTIVE-IN-CHIEF OF "CHEETAHS KILLED MY FATHER":
"I've never really liked cheetahs after they killed my father that one time...and several times since then. Just look at him (the cheetah). He's probably going to do it again, just for spite."
VICTORIA E. Z., A SPECTATOR WHO ACCIDENTALLY FLEW TO THE RACE BY MISTAKE:
"Is this one of Larry's bizarre stories that I now find myself somehow mired in...again? Sigh. That's the 4th time this week, I do wish that he'd leave me out of these for a while, as I'm running out of excuses to give to my employer for all of these unexplained absences."
HENRIK AXELINKMILFORDBORNNSSON, PRESIDENT OF FORMULA E AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL:
"I'm wondering how that...that cheetah would feel if it had to be locked away in a dark cage of a racing transporter, transported to wherever the driver wanted to take it, against its will, and exploited for entire race weekends, never mind the Formula E car in question might instead want to wander free upon the highlands of Scotland..."
MARGARET MEAD, LONG-DECEASED AND WORLD-FAMOUS CULTURAL ANTHROPOLOGIST
"I'm really not sure what I'm doing here, as I thought that I had died in 1978. And besides, I think I saw the cheetah reach in there and pull the emergency brake when nobody was looking, right before the race started. What a jerk."
RICARDO MONTERO, FORMER NBA BASKETBALL PLAYER, PIANIST, AND ACTOR/ACTIVIST
"Thomas Edison once cruelly electrocuted an elephant in an attempt to frighten the entire world and turn it against Nikola Tesla, George Westinghouse, and the life-changing power of alternating current electricity. These...savages first tell the world just how wonderful electric cars are, but then run absolutely horrible amounts of voltage through these cars on race weekends! How is this ANY different from what Thomas Edison did to that poor elephant? Shocking!"
AN UNNAMED, ARAMAIC-SPEAKING, SHABBY, ROBE-WEARING, DISHEVELED, HOMELESS MAN:
This particular protester had very little to say, but said it very loud, and then his actions further expanded upon his two brief messages. His first bellowed demand:
"FORMULA E MASTERS, LET MY PEOPLE GO!'
He then turned his large walking stick into a gigantic snake, raised his hands toward the heavens, and shouted:
'BEHOLD HIS WONDERS!"
He then somehow parted the red sea of protesters in front of him, waved around a couple of stone tablets, and then disappeared into the hills, right after he escaped the police who were sent to investigate whoever created a snake out of thin air.
(This is a work of satire. It really really is. None of this actually happened, nor will it ever happen. It is not to be construed or confused with any people, businesses, or organizations, or smug-as-hell cheetas who think that they're cute, perky, and better than everyone else, whether they be real, or imagined. Any similarities with real people, places, cheetahs, and Formula E rights activist groups are pure coincidence and nothing else. No unnamed officials were contacted, no internal documents were stolen or found at an unnamed San Francisco McDonald's restaurant, Margaret Mead was not resurrected from the dead, nor were those fictional non-documents consulted as a source for this clearly-non-story. Nor were any unnamed officials contacted, either. No individuals, corporations, fully-loaded international shipping containers, baseball cards, beloved Argentine prisons, 270mph Reliant Robins, Formula E cars, or military artillery ranges were impersonated. No Muppet weapons, loading zones, city parks, or terrified bicycle pedals were harmed during the writing of this completely fictional, completely satirical story.)