- BMW cashing in on people with self confidence issues.

Why Suvs are worst of all cars

1y ago


Ever since Toyota introduced the RAV4 and Honda followed suit with the CR-V, the small crossover SUV market has been booming all over the world. Only in the United States where people are planet sized do they "require" such things as Escalades and Suburbans, which are the worst of them all. Since I am from Europe, these monstrosities don't matter here so for this journal I will pretend that people are actually human sized.

An American

Even though - in every measurable way, a SUV is worse than anything else, people still buy them like hot cakes. So the question that begs to be answered is: Why do people buy them? To answer this question, we first have to look at typical mainstream SUV drivers and there are exactly three types of them, with no exception. There is the middle aged bloke who refuses to accept his age and therefore attempts to counteract it by wearing smartwatches and going to yoga classes, then there are those orange faced women who either are Hollywood celebrities or have read too much about Hollywood celebrities, and finally some really old man who thinks that a slightly higher seating position will extend his life by six days. As you may have noticed, all of those people are in a crisis of sorts.

If you ask these people why their ego issues have grown 4 wheels, they will most likely answer with the following.

1. I like the way it looks

2. I like watching over others

3. They are so practical

4. It is safer

5. Kim Kardashian has one

6. It has four-wheel-drive

7. It 's sporty

8. I just like it

I will tackle every single one of these arguments to explain my inital thought: SUVs are rubbish.

1. I like the way it looks

A Maxi Villiage Idiot

Looks are a matter of taste, and among all SUVs there are some which are the least ugly. The Range Rover Evoque for example. The problem however is that nobody thinks "design" when I say "Ford Escape", and especially not when I say "Mini Countryman". I think a little bit of sick just came to my eyes. Fact of the matter is that if you truly want a good looking car, you'd get a coupé or roadster, not a compact car on stilts with acres of black plastic cladding.

2. I like watching over others

The "I call my father daddy" car

Either the driver is very old or has confidence issues about the size of his gentleman parts. Vans usually do the same thing minus the ego. Ford S-Max would be a good example.

3. They are so practical

An average SUV isn't bad in terms of practicality, unless we are talking about hideous lumps like the GLE or X6. However compared to the cars they are based on and what exists for the same price, their practicality versus size ratio is abysmal. I had the misfortune of sitting in the back of the current VW Touareg and BMW X5 recently and my legs were at my ears. For less money you can buy the equivalent car on which its based, which not only is cheaper but also possibly even more practical as an estate and most of all, much better to drive. More on that later. You can also spend the same money and buy the ordinary saloon, estate or van of a class above. In a nutshell, buy an estate or van instead.

4. It is safer

This is a Macan locking its outer wheel

Unless you crash into a Fiat 500, it isn't. The front wheels may lock up if the vehicle is on the verge of tipping over which means that you'll plow straight into the next ditch (Still better than rolling though). And this happens on the "sportiest" of the bunch, the Porsche Macan.

5. Kim Kardashian has one

I had to think long and hard about this one. I came to the conclusion that this statement explains itself.

6. It has four-wheel drive

Four-wheel-drive is a great feature to have on any car, especially on Audis because they have a weight distribution of Laurel and Hardy on a plank. As we all know by now, SUVs are mainly driven in urban areas and most of them are available with front-wheel-drive. In contrast, most ordinary cars are available with four-wheel-drive too these days. I've also noticed that people who do go offroad don't drive about in Hyundai Tucsons. A Lada Niva probably has better offroad capabilities than most SUVs. To be fair, Range Rovers are very good offroad. Shame they break down half-way up the hill.

7. It's sporty

A car that weighs more than the average American, with a centre of gravity higher than Snoop Dogg is supposed to be sporty? The interpretation of the term "sport utility vehicle" is the most violated and twisted term in the automotive industry. The term "sport" does not refer to a sporty car. Instead the meaning of "SUV" is a vehicle with the purpose of transporting sport utilities. Otherwise the term "utility" would be redundant. The result would be "sport vehicle" which is plain wrong. A SUV is neither a sporty vehicle, nor a utility vehicle. Especially not when you just raise a compact car (which by nature is sportier by the way).

The biggest turd in this category is the BMW X6M. Every single potentially useful feature of a SUV has been removed for the sake of a Sumo wrestler body shape, and because it is too high, the car which was designed to be high for no good reason was lowered. This is like building a prison and defining the outside as the inside.

8. I just like it

One to think about deeply and hardly. There is always a reason you "just like it", probably because everyone else is already driving one, and you want to as well which makes you a sheep. If you honestly didn't care about driving (and what other people think about you) which this statement basically says, you'd be in a miserable 1.4 VW Polo with hubcaps.

So there you go. SUVs are rubbish. Muddy Land Rovers are excused.

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Comments (255)
  • Great article but it seems it's 7 months old. Is drivetribe.com recycling content now??

    7 months ago
  • All I see is SUV owners looking for excuses.. "but I live in the country side", "but It's safer", "but the roads are bad", " but I need boot space and space for people "etc etc. All of which are BS. I am sure that for some people in very specific situations the SUV is the dream solution. People who daily ( or at least once a week ) actually need to transport 5 people and a trunk full of material. People who are very tall and sencerely need the extra head space. People who actually need to drive off terrain more than once a year ) To those people I say go crazy, I understand. To all others hiding behind these excuses driving around alone through a city center I say grow a pair. At least have the balls to admit that you don't drive one because you "need the extra space" or because "they are safer" or " I live near a field and have to take a country road so I need an AWD". You own an SUV for the same reason some people own an impractical sportscar or a convertable in a rainy country. You own an SUV because you think it gives you standing. "Look at my big expensive car". You own an SUV because you simply like it, because it is popular, because your next door neighbour has one and your car can't be smaller than his..Point is, and that is what this article is actually saying, 95% of SUV owners don't need an SUV. It is less practicle than other types of cars for what most SUV's nowadays are actually used for. 95% of SUV owners could prefectly buy a smaller car and they would never notice the difference yet they still choose an SUV simply because they like it. There is no shame in buying something you simply like. But don't go around making excuses. Grow up and simply admit that you chose to buy something you don't actually need. Honestly the fire some people are defending their SUV ownership with just kind of proves my point. Most people know full well they don't need an SUV so they cling desperately to whatever excuse they can find to try and convince people, mainly themselves, that there is actaully a good reason for buying something so utterly redundant.

    7 months ago
    • By that logic, most people don't even "need" car. They can use public transportation or call a cab/uber.

      5 months ago


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